TV commercials of the last few years have gotten completely stupid. Okay, maybe they were always stupid as shit. But nowadays, the stupidity seems even more flagrant. Who the hell thinks this shit's going to sell something‽ Probably the kind of morons behind the Star Wars Holiday Special.
Contents
General Bullshit
These items apply to literally dozens of commercials, but some examples are more egregious than others.
Pills and Potions
Ever since the FDA thought it would be a good idea to allow ads for prescription drugs on TV, there's been a barrage of these commercials, hawking everything from dick pills to horse-piss cream. And most of them are like "Hey, here's this awesome pill that makes everything aw'rite!". Then you get a minute or so of all the side effects you can expect (if it doesn't kill you, it'll make you wish it did) and an exhortation to pester your doctor for it. Nowhere do they tell you how much you can expect to pay for it. And then, the unchi inevitably hits the senpuuki, which leads me to...
Direct-Response Ads
When one of those fancy pills causes some really untoward side effects, you can bet your ass that every other commercial on Antenna TV is going to be some lawyer or network of lawyers promising big bucks to those affected. The other commercials are for cheap crap that's not so cheap after they tack on a shitload of "processing and handling" fees, life insurance (maximum mood whiplash achieved!), and let's not forget about catheters and reverse mortgages. Granted, maybe it's just par for the demographic of Antenna TV, but the commercials themselves take shittiness to a new level. Hell, one commercial even had a fucking demo watermark! And you can guarantee that most of those cheap commercials are for flat-out scams, especially that buffalo "tribute" coin with 50 cents of gold on it that they present as a great investment for the low, low price of $9.99!
"Do Not Attempt" Disclaimers
You can't have a commercial break these days without some Jackass wannabe doing something stupid, with the obligatory "do not attempt" disclaimer at the bottom. Half the shit that gets that disclaimer is so stupid, only a true simpleton would even think about doing it, and do you think they could read it? "Hey, if I send them a video of me doing that, I'll get a free donut!"
Using Adjectives As Nouns
Is it any wonder that commercials pander to the 18-49 IQ demographic when mental midget copywriters come up with such fine slogans as "spread the happy" and "the future of awesome"? The happy what? The awesome what? These copywriters should go savor the nutty and wash it down with a nice tall glass of salty.
Specific Commercials
These particular commercials and series of commercials are particularly grating. And in some cases, it's not just me that thinks so!
Crestor Super Fan
Being an obsessive fan of a sports team is one thing, but being an obsessive fan of a cholesterol pill makes you look like someone who needs committed.
Breakfast in Hell (aka My Milkface)
This commercial is a fine example of what happens when you have a major jenkem leak in the neighborhood. The "wrecking ball" scene, the baby, and the last ten seconds definitely look like fruits from the crack pipe.
Zyrtec
"Starts working at hour 1". Some copywriter needs their ass beat.
Buffalo Tribute Proof
They had the hype machine up to 11 for this one. While they never flat-out lied about the nature of this crummy coin, this commercial is calculated to make Granny think this is a great investment, or at the very least, the deal of the century. In reality, you get a coin made of God-knows-what (cadmium? dead babies?) clad in 50 cents' worth of gold for 10 bucks, not including shipping charges. Avoid disappointment and future regret — put the fucking phone down!
Little Caesars
Little Caesars' HOT-N-READY pizza is perfect when you need a pizza right now, or if you're too stupid to order a pizza online.
Colonial Penn
What the hell is that jingle at the end of Colonial Penn commercials‽ Some kind of old people mating call?
HD Free TV
Screen images simulated...poorly.
Credit Repair Pros
Couldn't they find someone a little less ugly out of the call center?
Health Hotline
This has got to be one of the shittiest commercials ever. You can tell they spared every expense with the simple animation, clip-art, and fail-tier voice acting. I'm surprised there isn't some demo watermark in it. This commercial is a sure sign that the whole Medicare middle-man industry is getting too crowded.
Note
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